LOOK! BIG ASS…HOUSE VACATION WITH ME
by TwilightofCraigslistContest
Summary: 200 bond / 5100ft2 – Big ass house in Forks: Logging Capital of the World. Housemate required. Trees not.  Short-term  – Forks -


Contest: **Twilight of Craigslist AD Contest (Part I)**

Title: ********LOOK! BIG ASS…HOUSE. VACATION WITH ME.**  
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Rating: **M**  
>Word Count (minus AN and header): **1373**

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><p><strong>200 bond  5100ft2 – Big ass house in Forks: Logging Capital of the World. Housemate required. Trees not. (Short-term) –Forks-**  
>Date: 2011-10-02<br>Reply to: eamasen84 (at) craigslist (dot) org

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><p>Dear prospective short-term housemate,<p>

I am bored. This is my parents' home. Before you peg me as some loser who hasn't moved out, I must explain that they are cruising around the world and I'm merely house-sitting for a few months. I'm looking for someone to hang out with.

Test 1: If you think cruises are "cool", then close your browser now. This is not a retirement village. I'm a 26yr old male. I don't want to play shuffleboard (whatever that is), nor do I want to sip margaritas while talking about the good ol' days. My good ol' days were in this millennium.

(That's not ageist. I'm just keeping it real. And current.)

Anyway, I didn't grow up here, and most of my friends refuse to come to a place where there are more trees than people. They are city folk. They are busy doing things. Like working. I do not need to work, because I have rich parents. Rich parents who think cruising is "cool."

(The air quotes are necessary. That's how my dad says the word. If you don't understand what I mean, then you obviously failed Test 1 but decided to keep reading anyway. Shame on you. Either that, or you don't know how to close the browser window. Or maybe you have no idea what the internet is and you just stumbled across this listing on your grandchild's "electronic picture box.")

Look, the fact is, I don't know what to do in this town. I've been here four days. I'm beginning to think there's a secret part of town that I don't know about. Maybe it's like the secret menu at In-N-Out where you have to be in the know to get to the real fun.

Test 2:Do you know what In-N-Out is? Don't quit if you don't. I'm just thinking of giving bonus points to those who do. Because people who've been to California have at least lived/traveled to somewhere more interesting than the Logging Capital of the World.

(Plus, I like burgers.)

I need a partner-in-crime. Someone who will hike in the woods with me, or at least tag along and complain about how they don't like hiking. Hiking without a friend is dangerous. Who will call for help if an eagle swoops down from nowhere and tries to maim me?

Test 3:Do you put the crime in partner-in-crime? Because I'm not looking for an ex-con. Sorry. It's just that the only people I know here is the Chief of Police and his wife. They're good friends of my parents. Really. I'm not just saying that so you don't try and steal from me.

I have a feeling that Forks can be so much more exciting than me sitting in front of the TV watching football. Sure, that's great, but I can do that kind of thing anywhere. If you don't like hiking, maybe we could do something else. It's a big house. A mansion. There's also large yard that backs onto a body of water. I think it's a lake. Looks bigger than a stream. On the other side, there are a lot of trees. In other words, the woods. So maybe we can build a treehouse or a fort. Or a boat (maybe a raft is easier). Or we can blow shit up. I can also ask the Chief whether we can hunt in this area.

As for the house itself, it's pretty modern. Lots of high ceilings and natural light. Some rooms have wall-to-wall windows. This gives you a better view of the trees, something I've found out when pacing around in boredom. If you're anti-drapes, this is the place for you. If you're scared of the sun, then this is also the place for you. However, I will need an explanation as to why you're scared of the sun. That's not normal, you know. I don't want you cowering the shadows if we get a sunny day here. That's not fun. That's boring and annoying.

Anyway, there are six bedrooms and three bathrooms. You'll be able to take your pick. Not from the six, from the remaining five. Obviously, you will not be sleeping in my room. Not unless you're an attractive female who promises to hike with me and at least warn me of any swooping eagles, if not battle them with a stick. I make no promises though – I am very picky, mainly because I myself am very good-looking. I've attached a recent photo in a sign of good faith.

Test 4:Are you okay with the way you look? Happy to send through a photo with your application? I don't mean that in a lecherous way. This isn't . I just want someone who is honest and confident. Someone who is ready to say "yeah, this is me." Not someone who plans on uploading a photo taken five years ago. Or a photo of someone else. Don't lie – look at my photo and imagine how pissed you'd be if you fronted up and found out I was six hundred pounds and dressed entirely in baby pink. You'd fucking want to kill me, and I would have to call the only guy I know here, namely the Chief of Police. Also – and this is important – I will not reply to applicants who send me one of those self-taken myspace photos where you only get half your face and it's all dark and shit. That's not edgy. It just means you're fifteen and don't know how to use a camera.

(My sister is fifteen and goes to boarding school. Alice, if you are reading this, fuck off. Go do your homework.)

I like confident people. I hate people who fret. I don't want to have to hold your hand while you cook eggs/call your mom/tie your shoelaces. Though I guess with the latter you'd need both hands anyway. Whatever. You can call your mom if you want. I'm not against that. As for food, I don't cook. There are pop-tarts, but I'd really prefer it you brought your own. I'm already sharing the house with you (bedroom too, if I feel so inclined) so don't push it.

Next point: other conditions. First, I reserve the right to kick you out if you are annoying and not as fun as you made yourself out to be in our application. I need someone with imagination, okay? Second, why am I charging a $200 bond if I'm so rich? Look, it's a one-off payment and I'll give it all back at the end of your stay. It's nothing to complain about. Also, if you are clumsy and likely to break shit then I might need to charge you more as an extra security. That's only fair. My uncle Jason works in insurance and I think he would agree with me.

Test 5:Speaking of insurance, do you have your own car? I don't want you to drive my car and total it. I don't like people touching my Volvo, period. Unless I invited you into the backseat, of course. Which I wouldn't, because that's very high school. I actually went to a boarding school, but you get my drift.

(Speaking of drifting, please do not Tokyo-drift in my driveway a la Fast and Furious 3. That shit isn't necessary. The driveway is a straight line.)

That's basically it. I'm looking for someone who wants an interesting vacation/break from life. It's like a vacation home with a guy already living there so you don't get bored. My parents say I'm a frat boy who refuses grow up, which should convince you of my fun quotient. Apply now so I have time to run a background check/find the vacuum cleaner/log some trees in preparation for your arrival.

- Edward

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